Wishing You Were Somehow Here Again
by Dyrim's Voice
Summary: After so many years, Lirael laments the death of the Disreputable Dog. My first songfic, so go easy on me. :) Named for the title of the song.


Wishing You Were Somehow Here Again 

© Dyrim's Voice, 

Disclaimer: The song belongs to Andrew Lloyd Webber (it's from the musical, "The Phantom of the Opera"). There's one line  that I've changed, which is marked (¤). The reason I changed it was so that it fit the context of this story a little better. Lirael, the Disreputable Dog, and everything else belong to Garth Nix.

·°·°·

_CHRISTINE:_

_You were once  
My one companion  
You were all  
That mattered_

·°·°·

Sometimes I look back and wonder how I survived the times before you came to me. Those lonesome years among the Clayr, brainwashed to believe I was one of them, and therefore longing for the time I would finally be truly accepted. Nothing had meant more to me than to have the Sight, and be just like every other Clayr I knew.

Then you came to me when I needed you most, and changed my life.

I had never known such loving friendship, such caring companionship, until you came to me so unexpectedly with a grin on your newly made maw. I thought I had created you. But as the years went on, you created me, so that I am the way I am today.

Sometimes I look back and wonder how I survived the times after you left me. But the answer comes to me more easily this time. You showed me love, so that I could in turn give it to others, and I have found many forms of it since you had gone. But none like the perfect trust and support you had granted me.

I survived without you, but it was far from easy.

·°·°·

_You were once  
A friend like no other__¤  
Then my world  
Was shattered…_

·°·°·

You came to me in my darkest hour, when I needed you most. You helped me defeat the evil I had helped unleash, and shove it back where it belonged. Then you stayed with me, guiding me always, and every time I needed you, you were there. Without you I don't think I'd be alive today. I had tried to end my then-useless life, long before you arrived, and no doubt I would have done it again had you not come and saved me.

And I, fool as I was, got used to you, and eventually took you for granted. Oh, I loved you, and I was always aware of how much I would miss you if you left, but I never thought you would be capable of leaving me. I had thought you would stay by my side for all eternity, through Life and Death and beyond. We went to that dreaded Ninth Gate together, and looked at the stars together, but we resisted them together. I had believed it impossible to lose you.

But you came to me, even when I thought I didn't need you, but secretly, I did. I was prepared to throw away my life, and it would have been more useful than when I first considered it. I was ready to die for others I would save. I didn't need you, I didn't want you to come and save me. I would have willingly made what I had thought was the ultimate sacrifice, and you didn't have to interfere.

But you did. You did, and you forced me to unwillingly make a greater sacrifice than I would have ever imagined. You stepped in, and let that foul enemy take your life, when It would have taken mine. You rescued me, once again, and for the last time. You gave me life when I was ready for Death. You wanted me to enjoy the life you were granting me.

How could I enjoy it, when you're gone? I silently asked the emptiness after you departed, without me.

And you, as if you could hear me even when you were far gone, you sent me hope. You sent me a friend I could have, instead of you. Though I love him dearly, I still felt it was not enough. How could _anyone_ replace you?

·°·°·

_Wishing you were somehow here again  
Wishing you were somehow near  
Sometimes it seemed  
If I just dreamed  
Somehow you would be here_

_Wishing I could hear your voice again  
Knowing that I never would  
Dreaming of you  
Won't help me to do  
All that you dreamed I could…_

·°·°·

It's been many years since you left me. And I still miss you.

I rush into situations that normally I would have you beside me, and when I realize you're not there, I falter. I feel like I can no longer accomplish anything without you supporting me.

But now I must face the fact that you're gone, and I'll never get you back. I'll never see you again, hear you again, hug you again…

And yet, sometimes I dream. And when I dream, I hope. I dream of memories, of you and me together, of the times you spent just cheering me up and luring me out of self-pity. I dream of times forgotten, when without your guidance and support I surely would have failed at whatever I was doing. So many times you saved me, and not once was I able to repay the favor. Those dreams haunt me, tear at me, making me wish I could just end it all, and maybe see you again.

At times like that, I remember what you would say if you were here with me. You'd growl and bite me, and tell me I'm feeling sorry for myself, and to snap out of it. I can live without you, you'd say. When I realize that there's no way I can see you again without giving up so much else, I sit there and I cry silently. There's nothing else I can do. I'm ready to live on, but sometimes I'm scared to face it without you.

The battle within my heart, between missing you and respecting you, never ceases.

If only you would come back to me, and make me understand.

If only you would come back to me, and make me smile again.

You're gone, I've realized. And I stop crying.

I dream of you so frequently, it seems like you're actually here with me, smiling at me in my sleep. But no matter how long I linger in the past, or how I try to anticipate the future, I understand that you can't help me anymore. I have to live on my own, without you or your memories. I can no longer depend on you.

·°·°·

_Passing bells and sculpted angels  
Cold and monumental  
Seem, for you, the wrong companions;  
You were warm and gentle_

·°·°·

I am the Abhorsen-in-Waiting. Waiting for when Queen Sabriel dies or is no longer apt enough to be the Abhorsen. I hope it will be a long wait. I don't mind waiting, especially at the expense of my newfound half-sister.

But the bells! So cold, so chilling. My hand lingers on Astarael, but only for a brief second, and then travels up to find Kibeth. When I found out your true identity, I at first could not believe it. My humble and loving friend was the Walker? But now, I think of it as a way to sometimes remember you. The bell, Kibeth, represents you, and I almost feel a dim connection with you when I touch it. But the bell is so cold, so chilling, unlike you. I cannot possibly find the comfort I found in you by touching a frozen bell that sends spirits into Death.

It's hard, sometimes, to do my duty. I send Dead creatures back where they belong, by using that favorite bell of mine, the Walker. Whenever I touch it, my hand quivers, and I must then force myself to quell the onrush of emotion and memory. It is no easy task; indeed, it is harder than the very act of making the Dead Walk. Even after all these years, I still look at Kibeth and think of you.

How strange, that such a cheerful and loving comrade can be carried on in a cold and heartless bell.

·°·°·

_Too many years  
Fighting back tears  
Why can't the past just die?_

_Wishing you were somehow here again  
Knowing I must say goodbye_

·°·°·

It's been far too long. I can't afford to dwell in the past, when my future is upon me.

But what a struggle it has been, to try to forget you, and feeling like I'm betraying you when I try. I owe so much to you, more than I can ever repay even if I had the chance, but I would try by remembering you. And yet, I can't allow myself to remember you, since in no way can the past be changed.

This battle of emotions, this war of decisions, goes on too long, and takes too much of a toll on me. My smiles become rare and weary, my laughs even more so. I feel _old_, and I think it shows. I've survived an ordeal of grief, but the tax I had to pay in order to live on was too heavy, and I never did recover.

Either way I choose, I cannot win.

To forget you, and live on; or to remember, and remain stuck in the past?

There is no compromise. I can't remember you with a smile on my face—how can anyone smile after losing a friend so dear to them? I can't reminisce without crying inside, longing for the times I can no longer feel.

I just wish you hadn't gone and left me, and that you'd be here with me, so that I can truly live.

But mere wishes never do come true.

And I realize that I must, now, at last, after so long, say farewell to you. Far too long have I clung to memories of you in hopes that you would return to me. But now I've realized you're gone forever, and I must let you go, so we can both be at peace.

·°·°·

_Try to forgive  
Teach me to live  
Give me the strength to try_

_No more memories  
No more silent tears  
No more gazing across the wasted years…  
Help me say goodbye…_

·°·°·

Goodbye, my friend, goodbye!


End file.
